NFR Humor (No political jokes)

Non-fishing related
Squid ink tattoo using a porcupine quill...
:)
 
Skip I don't know why that cartoon is thought to be funny, so I wrote a non-funny literal accompanying joke.

One day a one-armed hispter walked into a Tattoo shack run but a 4-legged squid and two legged echidna

"Show me what you can do, if, say, I wanted a loafer AND cherry pie tattoo?" said the hipster

The squid drew the cherry pie with his fourth tentacle and the echidna cranked out a loafer with one of his still useful paws

The hipster went quiet so squid says "It's all natural and organic" in his squid language which no-one could understood but apparently in Squid-ese is a common punch line similar to "that's what she said!" So the squid was chuckling. Which had a kind of phlegmatic sound to it if you have to know.

The hipster seemed excited, and paid for the tattoo with two dollar bills.

Hipsters are suckers for stuff no one understands.

When his loafer and cherry pie tattoo was inked he turned to the inadequately tentacled squid and lame echidna

"One day I am going to tell everyone that I got my tattoo from you guys, before you were cool and before you sold out."

He chuckled to himself as he walked out the door and into the world, perhaps the first Hipster to have a loafer on one Bicep and a cherry pie on the other vestigial bicep before his arm ended in its void. (He's a one armed hipster, remember?)

But in fact the joke was on the hipster, the squid and the echidna never became cool, the squid failed to survive out of water beyond that day, his phlegmatic laugh was actually the start of his death rattle. While that spiky and slow echidna was eaten by a fearless dingo that evening. Not only that, the Hipster suffered an ironic death- a driver, wearing loafers, who- while driving- entered a diabetic confusion/sorta coma from eating too much cherry pie- and struck and killed the hipster, because- as he later said at the trial- he saw the cherry-pied vestigial bicep, which in itself was shaped like a piece of pie, and thought he had to kill and eat it.

At the hipster's funeral another hipster began his eulogy telling about how he knew the hipster before he was cool. Many other hipsters wept because they were not sure if it was the hipster, or his stuff that was cool. (Later at the yard sale the general consensus was that his stuff was not cool, but someone might as well take that fixie and pork pie hat and 12 inch record collection and obscure bobbleheads of not-famous early-80's Ska Bands "and it might as well be me") Then the second eulogy was along the lines of how loafers weren't cool, but flip flops were, unlike last year when it was the other way around, but that this specific hipster knew getting the loafer tat now would mean by the time the sites had healed and next year was here, he would have what looked like a well seasoned loafer to show for it, the epiphany of the whole story being something along the lines of the hipster had his good hand on the pulse of what it takes to impress others, before that pulse obviously stopped.

The Goths in attendance were most upset, for the hipster had died before he was cool, which was, in theory, one of their ambitions from what can only be described as a very short list of ambitions the other perhaps being "avoid the sun" and "get some candles" and maybe "visit Prague". There was much weeping and wailing among the goths, though it really was performative and self-indulgent to induce cryliner smudging and envy cycles.
 
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Wadin' Boot said:
Skip I don't know why that cartoon is thought to be funny, so I wrote a non-funny literal accompanying joke.

One day a one-armed hispter walked into a Tattoo shack run but a 4-legged squid and two legged echidna

"Show me what you can do, if, say, I wanted a loafer AND cherry pie tattoo?" said the hipster

The squid drew the cherry pie with his fourth tentacle and the echidna cranked out a loafer with one of his still useful paws

The hipster went quiet so squid says "It's all natural and organic" in his squid language which no-one could understood but apparently in Squid-ese is a common punch line similar to "that's what she said!" So the squid was chuckling. Which had a kind of phlegmatic sound to it if you have to know.

The hipster seemed excited, and paid for the tattoo with two dollar bills.

Hipsters are suckers for stuff no one understands.

When his loafer and cherry pie tattoo was inked he turned to the inadequately tentacled squid and lame echidna

"One day I am going to tell everyone that I got my tattoo from you guys, before you were cool and before you sold out."

He chuckled to himself as he walked out the door and into the world, perhaps the first Hipster to have a loafer on one Bicep and a cherry pie on the other

But in fact the joke was on the hipster, the squid and the echidna never became cool, the squid failed to survive out of water beyond that day and the echidna was eaten by a dingo that evening. Not only that, the Hipster suffered an ironic death- a driver, wearing loafers who- while driving- entered a diabetic coma from eating too much cherry pie- struck and killed the hipster, because- as he later said at the trial- he saw the cherry pied bicep and thought he had to kill and eat it.

At the hipster's funeral another hipster began his eulogy telling about how he knew the hipster before he was cool. Many other hipsters wept because they were not sure if it was the hipster, or his stuff that was cool. Then the second eulogy was along the lines of how loafers weren't cool, but flip flops were.

The Goths in attendance were most upset, for the hipster had died before he was cool, which was, in theory, one of their ambitions. There was much weeping and wailing, though it really was performative and self indulgent to induce cryliner smudging.
Click to expand...
Impressively humorous with semantic vengeance.
 
A couple more from tv game show 'Funny you should ask' that cracked me up:

Whitney Cummings responding to a question about the percentage of women who have forgotten how they lost their virginity:
"Yeeaah...but they still have the box it came in."

Byron Allen's reply to the question "Did a guy eat 176 live cockroaches in one minute:
"The previous record was  zero". (BTW he didn’t)

And one more:
Howie Mandel, when asked if comedians were being hired to entertain dementia patients:
Howie: Oh great, now I can tell the same joke all night long.....to the same person.
Professional roaster Jeff Ross: That sounds like my professional career."
 
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I remember hearing several quips attributed to Kinky Friedman:

A man, having spotted him smoking a Cuban cigar, accused him of supporting our enemies. He responded: "I'm not supporting our enemies... I'm burning their fields".

He also said: "If God had meant for us to vote he would have given us candidates."

Clever guy!
 
 
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