NFR Humor (No political jokes)
- Thread starter Buzzy
- Start date
Non-fishing related
cdnred
Life of the Party
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the wind-shields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the wind-shields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the wind-shields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter-proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the wind-shield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken ...
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the wind-shields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter-proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the wind-shield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken ...
Price of gas in France
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings---
I had no Monet To buy Degas To make the Van Gogh."
See if you have De Gaulle to share this with someone over a dram.
I shared it here because I figured I had nothing Toulouse!
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings---
I had no Monet To buy Degas To make the Van Gogh."
See if you have De Gaulle to share this with someone over a dram.
I shared it here because I figured I had nothing Toulouse!
Two women are at the vet's office. One has a Great Dane and the other has a Poodle.
The woman with the Great Dane says to the woman with the Poodle "Why are you taking your dog to the vet?"
The woman with the Poodle says "anytime my neighbor comes over for coffee, he jumps up on her leg. I'm going to get him neutered and hopefully he'll stop doing that."
The woman with the Great Dane says "I have that same problem! Every time I bend down to pick something up around the house, my dog jumps up on my back!"
The woman with the poodle asks "Are you going to have him fixed?"
The woman with the Great Dane says "Nope, I'm just here to get his nails cut."
The woman with the Great Dane says to the woman with the Poodle "Why are you taking your dog to the vet?"
The woman with the Poodle says "anytime my neighbor comes over for coffee, he jumps up on her leg. I'm going to get him neutered and hopefully he'll stop doing that."
The woman with the Great Dane says "I have that same problem! Every time I bend down to pick something up around the house, my dog jumps up on my back!"
The woman with the poodle asks "Are you going to have him fixed?"
The woman with the Great Dane says "Nope, I'm just here to get his nails cut."
”Bumper Sticker” seen today…
cdnred
Life of the Party
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Triploidjunkie
Life of the Party
Good God that one hits home. I live in a retirement community, mostly. The amount of old guys that get up and drive around aimlessly between 6-7 in the morning is mind boggling. Always 10-15 mph under the speed limit. I swear they all meet up somewhere to drink coffee and laugh about all the people they made late to work.
cody-
Steelhead
"When most drivers see the first “lane closed ahead” sign in a work zone, they slow too quickly and move to the lane that will continue through the construction area. This driving behavior can lead to unexpected and dangerous lane switching, serious crashes and road rage.
Zipper merging, however, benefits individual drivers as well as the public at large. Research shows that these dangers decrease when motorists use both lanes until reaching the defined merge area and then alternate in "zipper" fashion into the open lane.
...
Benefits
* Reduces differences in speeds between two lanes
* Reduces the overall length of traffic backup by as much as 40 percent
* Reduces congestion on freeway interchanges
* Creates a sense of fairness and equity that all lanes are moving at the same rate"
Zipper merging is good.
Zipper Merge - MnDOT
Find iformation and resources about the zipper merge in Minnesota
www.dot.state.mn.us
BriGuy
Life of the Party
Zipper merging is fine unless those in the lane that's ending speed up and try to use it to gain position. Then, I play my "old oblivous guy in a beater truck with nothing to lose" card and do an occasional head fake lane change."When most drivers see the first “lane closed ahead” sign in a work zone, they slow too quickly and move to the lane that will continue through the construction area. This driving behavior can lead to unexpected and dangerous lane switching, serious crashes and road rage.
Zipper merging, however, benefits individual drivers as well as the public at large. Research shows that these dangers decrease when motorists use both lanes until reaching the defined merge area and then alternate in "zipper" fashion into the open lane.
...
Benefits
* Reduces differences in speeds between two lanes
* Reduces the overall length of traffic backup by as much as 40 percent
* Reduces congestion on freeway interchanges
* Creates a sense of fairness and equity that all lanes are moving at the same rate"
Zipper merging is good.
Zipper Merge - MnDOT
Find iformation and resources about the zipper merge in Minnesota
Actually, I usually stay well-behaved, but that does piss me off.
cdnred
Life of the Party
Most people don’t know that in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to have been the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was lost forever.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
