NFR Humor (No political jokes)

Non-fishing related
Jake Watrous said:
It reminds me of a friend’s standard answer to the question “do you know what they put in that?“: “No, but whatever it is, it’s delicious!”
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When I hear someone bitching about ingredients in food products, i ask them if they ever ate using a drive-thru. They've had a lot worse.
Poop snot and spit.....its what ya get from a drive thru. But then, it's shit food anyways.
 
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Kevin deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Kevin began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Kevin hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
  1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
  2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
  3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
  4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
  5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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JudyM said:
You know why it is better to shred yourself.....cellulose (wood product) is added to preshredded cheese to keep the shreds from sticking together.
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Pretty much the same as folks who take metamucil. I suspect the dye ard worse for you than a bit of cellulose, it’s just like starch, only we can’t digest it.

Dave
 
A rancher sees a government worker drive up to his gate. The government worker explains to him that he is there to inspect his property. The rancher says "Fine, just don't go over to the east side of my pasture". The government worker pulls out his wallet and produces a badge and says "See this badge? It gives me the authority to go wherever I want.".. Later that day the rancher hears screaming from the east side of his pasture. He drops everything and runs toward the trouble. He sees his bull bearing down on the government worker, and he yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge!.. Show him your badge!"
 
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