Jojo?

[krusty]

My mother was also a difficult person to deal with all her life. Because she was 40 when I was born I spent many of the prime years of my life dealing with her issues. She was widowed in her early 60's, very inactive, and absolutely demanding (which, of course, didn't sit well with my spouse since we were trying to raise children and both of us worked full--time). My mother would have been perfectly happy to destroy my marriage if it meant I could focus on her needs.

I had the misfortune to be an only child so all of her care fell to me...I suppose that situation could now be considered some sort of good fortune, since I had no siblings to be angry about their lack of assistance. In my experience it always seems that in families with multiple siblings there is almost always one child that gets stuck dealing with the aging parent(s), and has had to alter the entire course of their adult life to suit the ever expanding needs of an aging parent...which is even greater source of resentment when siblings carry no part of the load. To further aggravate the situation it's quite common for the 'non-participating' siblings (especially if geographically distant) to not deal realistically with end of life decisions. They remember the parent as they were, not as they are.

Anger and resentment for having to deal with aging parent care issues is often very difficult for people to understand if they had a strong positive emotional bond with their parents (or haven't yet encountered that challenge), which is understandable because we are only marginally capable of understanding our own life's experiences, let alone fathom other familial environments.

While I still occasionally feel resentment (30 years later) over the parental care obligations, I have made fairly successful efforts to focus on 'moving down my own road' and take considerable comfort in knowing that I did what was necessary....and learned long ago not to give a shit about how others think I 'should feel' about such things.

 

[Dave G]

I read these posts with 2 feelings: the first is empathy for what you're all describing. Life is just plain difficult and painful at times and there is no way around it. It seems to go with being alive. The other is gratitude for you being willing to share what you're going through it. It makes me feel a more connected to the world.

As tough as it is to dive deep into this kind of thing, pretending it isn't part of the world seems even worse.

Thank you.

 

[Pink Nighty]

@Jojo thank you for sharing that. My family has been caretaking for my grandmother for over a decade now. When in she had her mental faculties intact she was amazing, a tour de force who kept her family together and ran several businesses. She was the hub the family revolved around.

I say that because I want you to know that resentment of the task, and even of the person creeps in to all of us, even when we burst with love for the person and would never dream of not being there for them.

One example is my mothers house, which she bought and restored post divorce. It was an amazing accomplishment for her and one she takes great pride in. She moved in and my grandmother was so proud of her doing it. It was a moment for them for sure.

Grandma now believes the house used to be hers, and when she is on that tilt my mother had better be grateful for grandma giving her the house. Grandma gets mean when shes confused and this really confuses her

This is harder for my mom than having her name forgotten or having to change diapers.

So for you to do this for someone that doesnt fill you with warm fuzzy memories is, to me, pretty damn heroic. Your "purity of heart" is on full display by you continuing to do even when you would rather not.

 

[Old Man]

My dad supported his wife up into his 80's. He ended up with a stroke at 84 and ended up in a nursing home because my mother couldn't handle him. My folks house was a good sized house. One floor spread out. So my Brother and his family moved in. From what I heard about my brother and his wife and how they treated my mother. Made me mad. But somehow they ended up with the folks house. That kind of pissed me off. It wasn't physical abuse, it was mental abuse. But My mother didn't say very much about it and I heard about it on her death bed.

This is one of the reasons that me and my brother are not close anymore. Him and her His wife treated my mother bad. If I would of heard about it sooner I probably would of taken other steps. But what is done is done. I visited him about 3 times since I moved to Montana. He has yet to call me just to bullshit. I've been here in Montana for over 15 years. I don't really give a shit if he ever shows up on my door step. He can go to hell as far as I care.

 

[Anonymous member 148]

As much as I'm not sure I'll have the fortitude to go through with it, if I get diagnosed with dementia or similar and start losing my mind, from what I saw with my grandparents and read on here I'll be taking a last fishing/camping trip.

 

[mark wlker]

I was a full time caregiver for my better half's Father for 5 years. Wasn't bad a the beginning, but in the end it was quite difficult. Dealt with almost every kind of body fluid you can think of.
If you have a weak stomach, don't enlarge the pics!

Got almost no help from family with care or expenses, but when he passed, they were all there for the money.

 

[ABITNF]

I'm pretty sure from her posts in a former What You Listening To thread at some other place we used to meet, that she's got the finest taste in music.

 

[Wanative]

‘I hear you, Jojo’. I’m out in Vermont, again, helping my dad through his second round of chemo. Being a caregiver can be daunting and draining. I wish you well.

Mike d

Wishing you and your family well being Mike. Hang in there.

 

[Wanative]

Oh wow. Amazing. I log here and see I have 42 notifications which is by far a record for me.

Thanks all of you for the words of support. I appreciate also that you just let me vent with trying to give me lots of stuff i could be doing differently. Sometimes venting is a release. I made up this saying: “Voice it, then Ice it”. I’m working on the ‘ice it“ part. But it’s hard.

However in the spirit of honestly, I need to point out that I feel it’s fairly clear I am working under, not only some duress, but with a great deal of resentment, so I am not the selfless generous daughter deserving of anything resembling high praise. I have some pretty deep seeded resentment these past three years.

My dad and I get along great. He is sharp, still works hard as much as he can around the house and does everything. He is easy to be with, and very generous. He always remembers to ask others questions about what’s going on with them. I’ve notice lots of older people seldom ask people about their lives and mostly talk about themselves. He is not like that.

My mom is a different story. She and I have never gotten along. (My sister didn’t get along with her either.)
Having to see her so much and do for her does NOT make me feel good about myself. On the contrary, i mostly go home feeling like a total bitch because i do not put up with her crap. It’s not all dementia either. She has all our lives
been an irrational , embarrassing, lazy and unsupportive mother who often humiliated us and always made everything harder for everyone, especially my dad and me. No one wants to be around her that much and it’s why i don’t have as much family help. (Though that is finally starting to change for me.)

I hate that this has made me feel differently about my brothers too and i hope i can get that back as I’ve always liked them before. So please understand that I’m not pure of heart and soul doing this. Not at all.

But i am going to get better about asking for help with the upcoming retirements of my brother and husband. And talking it out helps me process. Doing good deeds for folks should be done with goodness. I’ll have to work on that but right now i just want to be mad for awhile. So yeah. I feel pretty bitchy. And hence, not that much fun to be around.

Thanks again y’all. — jo

I can definately relate Jojo.
I was so relieved when my mom passed.
My brother and I haven't spoken for almost 2 years now.
My family is my kids and my wife's family now thank God.
Enough said.

 

[Xoxo]

One of the things i love to do is wake up really early (usually around 5 am) and be alone in the quiet, though i usually put on a relaxing YouTube of a crackling fire for white noise. Lately my favorite one is an old kettle on the campfire so the added noise of boiling water (which sounds like a furnace kicking in) is such a comforting sound.

I just re-read what all of y’all have written. It does help to read other’s stories. Thank you @krusty. And … @Pink Nighty, @Wanative … (OH LORD @mark wlker , Yikes! those photos are large enough! )

The latest meltdown i had, (I believe this is #3), i actually recorded on my phone. And i got to hear just how bad i was.

Over a week ago as i walked in the door at my parents‘ home my mom was on the phone. I asked who she was talking to and she cheerily said “I won some money!” So i go over and to take the phone, and actually had to struggle with her to get it out of her hand (she is surprisingly strong). I hang it up. And she gets mad.

So i explained for probably the 10th time, as my dad has too, how we already had to change the phone number they had for 50 years because of the scammers targeting her the past 1-1/2 years.

My mom’s dementia isn’t so bad yet. She does understands what you say at the time, but won’t remember it later. She still knows who all her kids are, though she forgets her grandkids names and which of her kids are their parents. (Though she remembers every character on her soap operas and their back story but then again these people are in her life every weekday. She watches TV all day in her robe while my dad does everything else. ) She repeats herself often and often asks the same question over and over. (‘No mom, i don’t want any coffee’.) She is dogged in her stubbornness when something goes wrong that is pointed out to her and will often stonewall people when she doesn’t like what they are saying. (Honestly though she’s not much different from before dementia. Like I said, she has always always been difficult.)

So I ask her “You don’t believe me about someone scamming you out of money?” She said “I don’t believe you” . I reply “You really believe someone on the phone over your own daughter? Why would i lie to you about someone trying to take your money?“ And that’s when i hit record on my phone because i wanted to share with my brothers to show how maddening and irrational she is. I feel myself start to lose it as i try to reason with her about what scammers do. Finally she does her stonewalling thing, gets up from the table and walks away.

I grab my phone and purse and get up to leave. Before walking out the door, i gather their garbage to put it outside in the bin which is what i often do before leaving. I walk past her with the garbage without saying bye and she starts yelling about what I’m stealing from her house. And i turn around and storm over to her and open it up close to her face and show it to her. “Is this what you want? Is this what you want? ” I swear i was so mad I was this close to emptying it in her lap.

I slammed the door, put the garbage away and sat in the car shaking, not wanting to drive just yet. I call my younger brother from the driveway. When he doesn’t pick up i call the other brother. He picks up immediately and because I’m crying now i immediately say ’nobody died, i just need help.‘ And we talk and he tells me he will call our brother and they will talk about getting better.

Later i listen to the recording i made on the phone. And that’s when it hits me just how awful i am. Here i had wanted a record to show my brother how difficult our mom was but instead got a recording of how terrible i was. It’s a long recording and in my voice is filled with so much vitriol and anger. I am screaming at her by the end of the call. I’m also using the F word (in part because i know how much she hates it).

It’s a record of me snapping. It makes me feel so ashamed. I haven’t shared it with anyone , but i haven’t deleted it yet either but i will eventually. I don’t want anyone to hear it. I sound like the crazy one.

Many of y’all have pointed out how caretakers need to care for themselves too. For both of us, I need some distance for awhile.…so I’m skipping Mother‘s Day. (I’m not a mom and I’ve always hated organizing Mothers Day. Let the brothers do it this year.) I’ll call her but that’s all I’m doing. Staying away from her is her present this year. I have some work to do on myself.

Thanks again for sharing and caring. And to those caring for your loved ones …be mindful of your feelings so as not to get to that breaking point. Caring for elderly parents who are slowly losing their ability to function physically and mentally is an epidemic for we Baby Boomers. I feel like we caretakers will be lucky to live as many years as the people we are caring for.

 

[krusty]

Many of us boomers (and our caretakers) will be lucky if we DON'T live as long as some of the people we took care of...

 

[Canuck from Kansas]

One of the things i love to do is wake up really early (usually around 5 am) and be alone in the quiet, though i usually put on a relaxing YouTube of a crackling fire for white noise. Lately my favorite one is an old kettle on the campfire so the added noise of boiling water (which sounds like a furnace kicking in) is such a comforting sound.

I just re-read what all of y’all have written. It does help to read other’s stories. Thank you @krusty. And … @Pink Nighty, @Wanative … (OH LORD @mark wlker , Yikes! those photos are large enough! )

The latest meltdown i had, (I believe this is #3), i actually recorded on my phone. And i got to hear just how bad i was.

Over a week ago as i walked in the door at my parents‘ home my mom was on the phone. I asked who she was talking to and she cheerily said “I won some money!” So i go over and to take the phone, and actually had to struggle with her to get it out of her hand (she is surprisingly strong). I hang it up. And she gets mad.

So i explained for probably the 10th time, as my dad has too, how we already had to change the phone number they had for 50 years because of the scammers targeting her the past 1-1/2 years.

My mom’s dementia isn’t so bad yet. She does understands what you say at the time, but won’t remember it later. She still knows who all her kids are, though she forgets her grandkids names and which of her kids are their parents. (Though she remembers every character on her soap operas and their back story but then again these people are in her life every weekday. She watches TV all day in her robe while my dad does everything else. ) She repeats herself often and often asks the same question over and over. (‘No mom, i don’t want any coffee’.) She is dogged in her stubbornness when something goes wrong that is pointed out to her and will often stonewall people when she doesn’t like what they are saying. (Honestly though she’s not much different from before dementia. Like I said, she has always always been difficult.)

So I ask her “You don’t believe me about someone scamming you out of money?” She said “I don’t believe you” . I reply “You really believe someone on the phone over your own daughter? Why would i lie to you about someone trying to take your money?“ And that’s when i hit record on my phone because i wanted to share with my brothers to show how maddening and irrational she is. I feel myself start to lose it as i try to reason with her about what scammers do. Finally she does her stonewalling thing, gets up from the table and walks away.

I grab my phone and purse and get up to leave. Before walking out the door, i gather their garbage to put it outside in the bin which is what i often do before leaving. I walk past her with the garbage without saying bye and she starts yelling about what I’m stealing from her house. And i turn around and storm over to her and open it up close to her face and show it to her. “Is this what you want? Is this what you want? ” I swear i was so mad I was this close to emptying it in her lap.

I slammed the door, put the garbage away and sat in the car shaking, not wanting to drive just yet. I call my younger brother from the driveway. When he doesn’t pick up i call the other brother. He picks up immediately and because I’m crying now i immediately say ’nobody died, i just need help.‘ And we talk and he tells me he will call our brother and they will talk about getting better.

Later i listen to the recording i made on the phone. And that’s when it hits me just how awful i am. Here i had wanted a record to show my brother how difficult our mom was but instead got a recording of how terrible i was. It’s a long recording and in my voice is filled with so much vitriol and anger. I am screaming at her by the end of the call. I’m also using the F word (in part because i know how much she hates it).

It’s a record of me snapping. It makes me feel so ashamed. I haven’t shared it with anyone , but i haven’t deleted it yet either but i will eventually. I don’t want anyone to hear it. I sound like the crazy one.

Many of y’all have pointed out how caretakers need to care for themselves too. For both of us, I need some distance for awhile.…so I’m skipping Mother‘s Day. (I’m not a mom and I’ve always hated organizing Mothers Day. Let the brothers do it this year.) I’ll call her but that’s all I’m doing. Staying away from her is her present this year. I have some work to do on myself.

Thanks again for sharing and caring. And to those caring for your loved ones …be mindful of your feelings so as not to get to that breaking point. Caring for elderly parents who are slowly losing their ability to function physically and mentally is an epidemic for we Baby Boomers. I feel like we caretakers will be lucky to live as many years as the people we are caring for.

@Jojo, just know you are not alone, as several have described, relationships with parents can very difficult. I left home right after graduating high school, never had much of a relationship with my parents after that, mother especially (my father died not too many years later). When I was a single father, for over 18 years, I believe she saw her grandson 3 times, only once was her effort, the summer he was born. Such was our relationship; not sure which is worse, bad or none (probably bad).

The worst thing you can do is live with regret, what is done is done. Learn from what you feel are mistakes, and try and do better the next time - and I think that starts from taking some time for yourself.

Take care, and reach out to any of us if needed; although we can't do much as far as actual support, sometimes the distant emotional support from semi-strangers and the writing can be very cathartic.

 

[Wanative]

One of the things i love to do is wake up really early (usually around 5 am) and be alone in the quiet, though i usually put on a relaxing YouTube of a crackling fire for white noise. Lately my favorite one is an old kettle on the campfire so the added noise of boiling water (which sounds like a furnace kicking in) is such a comforting sound.

I just re-read what all of y’all have written. It does help to read other’s stories. Thank you @krusty. And … @Pink Nighty, @Wanative … (OH LORD @mark wlker , Yikes! those photos are large enough! )

The latest meltdown i had, (I believe this is #3), i actually recorded on my phone. And i got to hear just how bad i was.

Over a week ago as i walked in the door at my parents‘ home my mom was on the phone. I asked who she was talking to and she cheerily said “I won some money!” So i go over and to take the phone, and actually had to struggle with her to get it out of her hand (she is surprisingly strong). I hang it up. And she gets mad.

So i explained for probably the 10th time, as my dad has too, how we already had to change the phone number they had for 50 years because of the scammers targeting her the past 1-1/2 years.

My mom’s dementia isn’t so bad yet. She does understands what you say at the time, but won’t remember it later. She still knows who all her kids are, though she forgets her grandkids names and which of her kids are their parents. (Though she remembers every character on her soap operas and their back story but then again these people are in her life every weekday. She watches TV all day in her robe while my dad does everything else. ) She repeats herself often and often asks the same question over and over. (‘No mom, i don’t want any coffee’.) She is dogged in her stubbornness when something goes wrong that is pointed out to her and will often stonewall people when she doesn’t like what they are saying. (Honestly though she’s not much different from before dementia. Like I said, she has always always been difficult.)

So I ask her “You don’t believe me about someone scamming you out of money?” She said “I don’t believe you” . I reply “You really believe someone on the phone over your own daughter? Why would i lie to you about someone trying to take your money?“ And that’s when i hit record on my phone because i wanted to share with my brothers to show how maddening and irrational she is. I feel myself start to lose it as i try to reason with her about what scammers do. Finally she does her stonewalling thing, gets up from the table and walks away.

I grab my phone and purse and get up to leave. Before walking out the door, i gather their garbage to put it outside in the bin which is what i often do before leaving. I walk past her with the garbage without saying bye and she starts yelling about what I’m stealing from her house. And i turn around and storm over to her and open it up close to her face and show it to her. “Is this what you want? Is this what you want? ” I swear i was so mad I was this close to emptying it in her lap.

I slammed the door, put the garbage away and sat in the car shaking, not wanting to drive just yet. I call my younger brother from the driveway. When he doesn’t pick up i call the other brother. He picks up immediately and because I’m crying now i immediately say ’nobody died, i just need help.‘ And we talk and he tells me he will call our brother and they will talk about getting better.

Later i listen to the recording i made on the phone. And that’s when it hits me just how awful i am. Here i had wanted a record to show my brother how difficult our mom was but instead got a recording of how terrible i was. It’s a long recording and in my voice is filled with so much vitriol and anger. I am screaming at her by the end of the call. I’m also using the F word (in part because i know how much she hates it).

It’s a record of me snapping. It makes me feel so ashamed. I haven’t shared it with anyone , but i haven’t deleted it yet either but i will eventually. I don’t want anyone to hear it. I sound like the crazy one.

Many of y’all have pointed out how caretakers need to care for themselves too. For both of us, I need some distance for awhile.…so I’m skipping Mother‘s Day. (I’m not a mom and I’ve always hated organizing Mothers Day. Let the brothers do it this year.) I’ll call her but that’s all I’m doing. Staying away from her is her present this year. I have some work to do on myself.

Thanks again for sharing and caring. And to those caring for your loved ones …be mindful of your feelings so as not to get to that breaking point. Caring for elderly parents who are slowly losing their ability to function physically and mentally is an epidemic for we Baby Boomers. I feel like we caretakers will be lucky to live as many years as the people we are caring for.

I'm sorry Jo that you're having such trouble dealing with your mom.
My mom's name was Joanne but everyone called her Jo. I miss the mom I knew before the dementia and cancer took over her life. I'm sad she had cancer and dementia. She was on strong narcotics and used them a lot. She also liked a martini or two every evening.
She was in assisted living the last couple years and they allowed residents to have alcohol. I know narcotics and alcohol don't mix very well so tried to keep it away from her. She used all the tricks alcoholics use to maintain their supply.
I used all the tools codependent people use to keep it away from the alcoholic only to be thwarted by her friends who she had bring her booze after I asked them not to and explained why.
I was so frustrated and angry.
God mercifully finally brought her home.
I felt and still feel guilt about my feelings surrounding her final years.
Today my wife and I will place flowers
on our mother's graves.
We do the best we can under very trying
circumstances and in retrospect sometimes our choices are not what we'd like them to be.
Our Creator knows where our hearts lie
and is ok with that.

 

[iveofione]

Jojo, my heart goes out to you for what you are having to endure. I am particularly grievous about how this impacts the quality of your own life and robs you of precious time. I wish it were otherwise and you could enjoy the age you are at now without compromise. We can't get back those years we spent as caregivers but hopefully can see the benefits of of our care and kindness without resentment. At the end of the day we have to be able to feel good about ourselves.

Please don't beat yourself up for occasional anger, it comes with the territory. Being a problem solver and having a problem there is no solution for gets very frustrating and anger is a natural reaction it seems. There is probably little you can do to alter your mother's condition but I urge you to take better care of yourself in the face of all this. Do something good for yourself and then just keep doing it. It is your mom's life that is ending, not yours.

Thanks for sharing this very personal insight into what you are going through. There is a lot to be learned from you have written.

 

[Xoxo]

Many of us boomers (and our caretakers) will be lucky if we DON'T live as long as some of the people we took care of...

@krusty …Oh god… You’re right. Actually, this is a far better point!


@Wanative you said. “Our Creator knows where our hearts lie” Ha! That’s what I’m afraid of!

@Canuck from Kansas . Thank you. I hope that i never worry about living with regret or guilt when my parents are no longer living. If i am honest, i think I’m looking for the affirmation that y’all are kind enough to offer and words that make me not feel so terrible. Thank you @iveofione .


It just occurred to me ….after listening to that phone recording I feel like Johnny Depp and I have a lot in common! Hahaha.

 

[Roper]

@Jojo, this is going to sound very un-Roper, but my wife does what she can to deal with her family issues. As a result she has come to a place of sympathy and acceptance. She no longer argues with her mother, Betty’s never gonna change at 93. Same with her alcoholic son and his rampages. Try not to bang your head against the wall that is your mom’s condition. Maybe some distance for a while…get your head out of it and your heart back.

take care…

 

[Old Man]

It was funny at the time. But with our family when my mother would get mad at one of us she would go through the names of each of us to get to the right one. But it wasn't that she was going senile at the time. It was just something that she did. Like I said once before that when my dad had his second stroke it killed him.,

Since my mother and dad were never separated in life. When my dad did die she didn't live to long after that. Being picked on by my brothers sons wife. She just didn't want to go on. I saw her one last night in a hospital. That was the day she just gave it all up. She passed in peace and was somewhat glad she went happy.

I have lived longer than my folks did. My mind is still strong. I just wish my body is a strong as my mind is. I'm still in control of myself. I don't have to rely on anybody for anything yet. But it could all fail in an instant. I'm 87 going on 100. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here. I don't know anybody that is as old as I am in our family. I do know that my dads mother lived into her 90's. Maybe I'll just be like her. But I don't live in England.

 

[Whitewater]

You are not "terrible." It sounds like you're overloaded, frustrated, fed up, worn out and angry. It's understandable when you're caring for one person, and you're caring for two people.

Skipping Mother's Day sounds like a fair way of caring for yourself. If keeping your distance works than that's OK too. It's also OK to vent.

I get it, am also a caretaker.