NFR Humor (No political jokes)
- Thread starter Buzzy
- Start date
Non-fishing related
Breck
The Whisk(e)y Dick
As Ewan was about to get off work one day in Scotland, his best pal Angus comes up to him and says "Oy, Ewan. Off we go to the pub for a pint or three."
"Ah, no. I cannae go. Mah wife would be furious with me." Ewan replied.
" We'll thinka somethin'." says Angus.
So away they go to the pub and begin with a pint. One turns to three. Three turns to seven with a few whiskies thrown in as well. Before long, Ewan isn't feeling so well and pukes all down the front of his shirt.
"Ohh blast!" Ewan shouts "Mah wife got me this shirt for mah birthdee! She's gonna knock three kettles of piss outta me!"
"Fret not, mate" says Angus as he shoves a 20-pound note into Ewan's shirt pocket. "Tell her that I've been sad about breaking it off with my girlfriend and I got so pished that I puked all down the front of your shirt and that I gave you 20 pound to buy a new one."
"That's pure genius!" says Ewan. So away home he goes and when he stumbles through the front door, he's met by a very angry missus.
"What happened to you?" she asks.
Ewan tells the story that Angus concocted word for word.
"He gave me 20 pound to buy a new shirt."
"Where did the other 20 pound come from?" she asks.
"Aye, well. He shat in mah trousers as well."
"Ah, no. I cannae go. Mah wife would be furious with me." Ewan replied.
" We'll thinka somethin'." says Angus.
So away they go to the pub and begin with a pint. One turns to three. Three turns to seven with a few whiskies thrown in as well. Before long, Ewan isn't feeling so well and pukes all down the front of his shirt.
"Ohh blast!" Ewan shouts "Mah wife got me this shirt for mah birthdee! She's gonna knock three kettles of piss outta me!"
"Fret not, mate" says Angus as he shoves a 20-pound note into Ewan's shirt pocket. "Tell her that I've been sad about breaking it off with my girlfriend and I got so pished that I puked all down the front of your shirt and that I gave you 20 pound to buy a new one."
"That's pure genius!" says Ewan. So away home he goes and when he stumbles through the front door, he's met by a very angry missus.
"What happened to you?" she asks.
Ewan tells the story that Angus concocted word for word.
"He gave me 20 pound to buy a new shirt."
"Where did the other 20 pound come from?" she asks.
"Aye, well. He shat in mah trousers as well."
I’ll always remember my grandads last words to me before he died.
“Are you still holding that ladder?”
“Are you still holding that ladder?”
FIFY
Mukman
Life of the Party
Guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a cool trick, can I have a free drink?”
Bartender says, “If the trick is cool enough, sure.”
Guy reaches into his coat pocket, and pulls out a tiny rat and a tiny piano. The rat stretches his arms, and starts playing rocking rhythm and blues tunes, a la Ray Charles. The bar goes crazy.
Guy asks the bartender, “If I show you an even more impressive trick, can I get free drinks for the night?”
Bartender says “I don’t know what you can do to top that, but sure!”
Guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog, which immediately stands on his hind legs. The rat starts rocking the piano with a Stevie Wonder tune, and the frog starts belting out in an amazing baritone voice. The rat and frog do a couple of tunes and the bar goes nuts, and the guys gets his free drinks. A bar patron comes up to the guy and says “I’ll give you a thousand dollars for that frog!”
Guy says “No thanks, he’s not for sale.”
Patron says “10,000!”
Guy says no. Patron says “50,000 cash!”
Guy says, “Well OK - $50000”, and they do the deal.
Bartender comes up to the guy a little later and says, “Man, I think you’re crazy to sell that frog. I think he’s probably worth millions.”
Guy says, “Nah, he’s worth nothing. The rat’s a ventriloquist.”
Bartender says, “If the trick is cool enough, sure.”
Guy reaches into his coat pocket, and pulls out a tiny rat and a tiny piano. The rat stretches his arms, and starts playing rocking rhythm and blues tunes, a la Ray Charles. The bar goes crazy.
Guy asks the bartender, “If I show you an even more impressive trick, can I get free drinks for the night?”
Bartender says “I don’t know what you can do to top that, but sure!”
Guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog, which immediately stands on his hind legs. The rat starts rocking the piano with a Stevie Wonder tune, and the frog starts belting out in an amazing baritone voice. The rat and frog do a couple of tunes and the bar goes nuts, and the guys gets his free drinks. A bar patron comes up to the guy and says “I’ll give you a thousand dollars for that frog!”
Guy says “No thanks, he’s not for sale.”
Patron says “10,000!”
Guy says no. Patron says “50,000 cash!”
Guy says, “Well OK - $50000”, and they do the deal.
Bartender comes up to the guy a little later and says, “Man, I think you’re crazy to sell that frog. I think he’s probably worth millions.”
Guy says, “Nah, he’s worth nothing. The rat’s a ventriloquist.”
Mukman
Life of the Party
Doctor comes in to the exam room and sits down with his very elderly male patient.
The doc sighs and says, “Well, after all the battery of tests we’ve run, I’ve got two separate diagnoses, and neither of them are good news.”
Guy says, “What’s the first one?”
Doc says, “You have cancer”
After a long silence, the doctor says, “And, you have Alzheimer’s.”
After a pause, the old man says, “Well at least I don’t have cancer.”
The doc sighs and says, “Well, after all the battery of tests we’ve run, I’ve got two separate diagnoses, and neither of them are good news.”
Guy says, “What’s the first one?”
Doc says, “You have cancer”
After a long silence, the doctor says, “And, you have Alzheimer’s.”
After a pause, the old man says, “Well at least I don’t have cancer.”
Breck
The Whisk(e)y Dick
A frog goes into a bank and sits down at the loan officer's desk. He notices that the name plate on the desk reads "P. Whack".
"Good day, Ms Whack. I'd like to see about getting a loan" he says.
Ms Whack replies, "Well, firstly, you can call me Patty. Secondly, I'm not sure if we are able to allow a loan to a frog, a talking one or otherwise. Do you have any collateral?"
"Sure do" replies the frog as he produces a small ceramic elephant. "This should cover it."
"Let's at least get some information. What's your name?" says Patty.
"My name is Kermit Jagger" replies the frog.
"You're putting me on, right? 'Kermit'?"
"I'm not THE Kermit the Frog. We just happen to share the name. My father is the famous Mick Jagger."
After a pause, Ms Whack says "Well...this is a bit unusual, but I will speak to the senior loan officer and see if we can figure something out. Wait here please."
She goes into her boss's office, sits down and says, "I have a frog out there claiming to be the son of Mick Jagger. He only provided this tiny ceramic elephant as collateral. How do you think we should proceed?"
After a brief pause, her boss says, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"Good day, Ms Whack. I'd like to see about getting a loan" he says.
Ms Whack replies, "Well, firstly, you can call me Patty. Secondly, I'm not sure if we are able to allow a loan to a frog, a talking one or otherwise. Do you have any collateral?"
"Sure do" replies the frog as he produces a small ceramic elephant. "This should cover it."
"Let's at least get some information. What's your name?" says Patty.
"My name is Kermit Jagger" replies the frog.
"You're putting me on, right? 'Kermit'?"
"I'm not THE Kermit the Frog. We just happen to share the name. My father is the famous Mick Jagger."
After a pause, Ms Whack says "Well...this is a bit unusual, but I will speak to the senior loan officer and see if we can figure something out. Wait here please."
She goes into her boss's office, sits down and says, "I have a frog out there claiming to be the son of Mick Jagger. He only provided this tiny ceramic elephant as collateral. How do you think we should proceed?"
After a brief pause, her boss says, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A guy came into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender told him he couldn’t have his monkey in the bar. “Oh, he’ll be good,” the guy replied. “I promise.” The bartender brought the guy his drink and said that it had better be good. And he was. For a while.
Suddenly the monkey went on a tear. He ran down the bar knocking over everyone’s drink and throwing the pretzel bowls all over the place. The monkey then proceeded to rip all the bar signs from the walls. Finally, it swung from one of the overhead lights and landed on the pool table. The monkey picked up the cue ball and swallowed it.
“ENOUGH” shouted the bartender! “You and that devil creature get out of here and give me $25.00 for a new cue ball!” The guy paid the bartender, apologized profusely to everyone present, gathered up his monkey and left.
Two months later, the guy and his monkey returned to the bar. “OUT! Get that monkey out of here” yelled the barkeep. “Wait” said the guy. My pet has spent the last couple months in obedience school, and he passed with flying colors.
I promise you that he’ll be good this time.” “Alright” said the bartender, “But he better be!” The monkey sat peacefully by his owner while the guy sipped his drink. And the monkey was good. For a while.
With a loud shriek, the monkey leaped onto the bar, spilling drinks, grabbing and throwing everything he could get his hands on until he reached a fruit basket at the other end of the bar. He slid to a stop, reached into the basket, plucked a grape, stuck it in his butt and then pulled it out and ate it.
“Damn” yelled the barkeep! “Did you see what that monkey just did? That was disgusting!” The monkey’s owner said “Do you blame him? Ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything before he eats it.”
Suddenly the monkey went on a tear. He ran down the bar knocking over everyone’s drink and throwing the pretzel bowls all over the place. The monkey then proceeded to rip all the bar signs from the walls. Finally, it swung from one of the overhead lights and landed on the pool table. The monkey picked up the cue ball and swallowed it.
“ENOUGH” shouted the bartender! “You and that devil creature get out of here and give me $25.00 for a new cue ball!” The guy paid the bartender, apologized profusely to everyone present, gathered up his monkey and left.
Two months later, the guy and his monkey returned to the bar. “OUT! Get that monkey out of here” yelled the barkeep. “Wait” said the guy. My pet has spent the last couple months in obedience school, and he passed with flying colors.
I promise you that he’ll be good this time.” “Alright” said the bartender, “But he better be!” The monkey sat peacefully by his owner while the guy sipped his drink. And the monkey was good. For a while.
With a loud shriek, the monkey leaped onto the bar, spilling drinks, grabbing and throwing everything he could get his hands on until he reached a fruit basket at the other end of the bar. He slid to a stop, reached into the basket, plucked a grape, stuck it in his butt and then pulled it out and ate it.
“Damn” yelled the barkeep! “Did you see what that monkey just did? That was disgusting!” The monkey’s owner said “Do you blame him? Ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything before he eats it.”
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the tavern.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the tavern to my house.
The difference is staggering.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the tavern to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Them's "banker's" hours.
How about 8-5 (and 1-2 hours commute)?
