DanielOcean
Fart! : )
My wife makes me go to hobby lobby too.
NFR Humor (No political jokes)
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DanielOcean
Fart! : )
Oldy but....
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael , the archangel found him ..... resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael . Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" Inquired Michael , "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests,
hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's another Washington .. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael , the archangel found him ..... resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael . Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" Inquired Michael , "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests,
hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's another Washington .. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.
Jim in Anacortes
Life of the Party
Soon after the first aliens landed on the Whitehouse lawn a meeting was set up for them to speak to the Pope. The Pope's first question to the alien was "Did Jesus ever visit your planet?" The alien responded.." Oh yes, he visits us quite often. He loves the chocolate that we make, and ever since his first visit we are always sure to give him plenty of chocolate". After a short moment of silence...the Alien asked "What did you do for him here on Earth?"
Bambooflyguy
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This is gross and I have not done this for at least 20 years ….. mouthful of previously cooked long grain rice, a bit of red pepper, one baby red tomato and a couple wedges of Hersheys dark or like chocolate…. Mull it in your mouth for 15 seconds..chomp some. Spit out 75% in to the toilet….then put rest on toilet seat where toilet lid seat does not touch. Close the seat and leave. Someone gonna say something!!!!!
Along these same lines this happen to me when I was 17 years old working in a gas station. I had just finish cleaning the restrooms for the night and locked the doors. I car load of about 3 to 4 girls pulled in and one came running to me clean up the messand ask if they could use the rest rooms they really need to go. So I walked around the building and unlocked the door. As I walked I heard one say I can’t hold it I’ll take the sink. I went back inside to finish getting ready to close up. The girls jump in their car and drove off. I when back into the girls rest room only to find it a real mess they had pooped on the floor on the edge of the toilet even in the sink. I left and got my mop bucket and some rags, and rubber gloves to clean up the mess.
That’s when I figured out it was peanut butter mixed with corn.
I wish I'd thought of that. I left a few black stone fly nymphs with rubber legs next to the coffee pot and when my wife got up and came into the kitchen she said......Oh April fools, right? So obviously something better is needed.Along these same lines this happen to me when I was 17 years old working in a gas station. I had just finish cleaning the restrooms for the night and locked the doors. I car load of about 3 to 4 girls pulled in and one came running to me clean up the messand ask if they could use the rest rooms they really need to go. So I walked around the building and unlocked the door. As I walked I heard one say I can’t hold it I’ll take the sink. I went back inside to finish getting ready to close up. The girls jump in their car and drove off. I when back into the girls rest room only to find it a real mess they had pooped on the floor on the edge of the toilet even in the sink. I left and got my mop bucket and some rags, and rubber gloves to clean up the mess.
Oldie but Goodie (hope it's not a repeat...):
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walked to the corner for a shoeshine. He sat in an armchair, examined the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffed his shoes to a mirror shine
One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO, “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”
The businessman answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”
The shoe guy replied, “I have millions in your bank and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
“What’s your name?” asked the executive.
“John H. Smith,” was the reply.
The CEO arrived at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Service Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?”
“We certainly do,” answered the Manager. “He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account”
The astonished executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our Board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I’m sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”
At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the Board Members. “We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story, “I came to this country 50 years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money I also sold them and continued in business.
“When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing. I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
“Then, six months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12 million dollars.”
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walked to the corner for a shoeshine. He sat in an armchair, examined the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffed his shoes to a mirror shine
One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO, “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”
The businessman answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”
The shoe guy replied, “I have millions in your bank and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
“What’s your name?” asked the executive.
“John H. Smith,” was the reply.
The CEO arrived at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Service Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?”
“We certainly do,” answered the Manager. “He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account”
The astonished executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our Board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I’m sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”
At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the Board Members. “We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story, “I came to this country 50 years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money I also sold them and continued in business.
“When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing. I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
“Then, six months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12 million dollars.”
