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I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes, and instead I buy……well, you know. Oreos.

Walmart has me putting up my Christmas tree while eating turkey in my Halloween costume.

I woke up laughing this morning. Must have slept funny.

The older I get, the more I understand why a rooster wakes up screaming every morning.

Someone has been stealing the wheels off of law enforcement vehicles. Police have been working tirelessly to catch them.

Having a dog is 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.

Whenever I finish eating, I have to show my hands to my dog like a blackjack dealer.

“Oh, we’re traveling? Cool! Let’s get weird!!” - My bowel movements

Banks need to do a better job of keeping their ATM’s properly filled. This is the fifth one I’ve been to that said “Insufficient Funds.”

Bigfoot sometimes gets confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

When we make pizza at home, it’s my wife’s job to shred the cheese. She’s the gratist.

I find that I no longer do wading over my waist, so I just wear my lightweight Arcteryx rain jacket that for the last seven or eight seasons as kept me perfectly dry. Good wrist seals (not neoprene, tho). Gear goes in sling pack.

Going to be able to spend a few days stealing some time away from a family gathering in CO to fish the Arkansas or some of it's tribs in the section between Buena Vista and Salida. Been reading what I can, and it looks like I should approach it like I would the Yak. Has anyone been around this...

If all the margarine was removed from the earth, The world would be a butter place.

I have officially reached the age where I appreciate a nice handrail.

If you serve your children frozen pizza or chicken nuggets, you are a terrible parent. I don’t care how busy you are, find the time to microwave the food first.

Technically, every dime I have spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

When I was in junior high, my math teacher told me I was average. That was mean.

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they’ve never seen any of his paintings.

PSA for dads: When your kid says, “I want mommy”, what they’re really saying is “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”