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I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said “remove cap and push up bottom”. I’m finding it difficult to walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely.

I feel I need to say this: Putting dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them. Putting dead pens back in the junk drawer does not refill them.

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and take a stroll out of my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

12 years ago today, my friend Dave came running out with tears streaming down his face and cried, “It’s a boy!!” We never went to Thailand again.

My Grandfather had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Laughing at your own mistakes can actually lengthen your life, while laughing at your wife’s mistakes will actually shorten it.

I’m not a magician, but once I turned a back rub into two kids and a mortgage.

My boss pulled up in her brand new Bentley today and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Beautiful car,” I said as she got out. “Well,” She said, noticing my envious looks, “If you work hard, put the hours in, make lots of sales, generate some real income, and really strive for excellence, then…...

I lost my job at the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said “Clean your stuff out of your desk and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

These are Schrödinger’s Plates. They are both broken and not broken until you open the door.

“I think it’s absolutely terrible and disgusting the way Lance Armstrong has been treated. He won 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. That is absolutely amazing.” “When I’m on drugs, I can’t even FIND my bike.” -Willie Nelson

Mother’s Day has the least amount of crime than any other day of the year. And that says a lot about how many Mothers are out there committing crimes but can’t on Mother’s Day because they’re having brunch with their kids.

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.

For those that don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they’re coming out with a male version. It doesn’t listen to anything.

I changed all my passwords to “Kenny”. Now I have all Kenny Loggins.

Well that was a disappointing day out!

Computers used to scream out in pain when we connected to the internet. That was a warning and we did not heed it.

For you electricians, electrical engineers and circuit people out there….

A man is at the checkout where he buys one banana, two eggs, and a grapefruit. Checkout girl says, “You must be single” Guy says, “Yes! How did you know?” She says, “Because you’re ugly.”