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If a vegan does CrossFit, what do they talk about first?

I asked my wife to describe me in five words, and she said I’m moral, I’m mature, I’m polite, and I’m perfect, and I’m pure!! Then she added that I’m really bad with apostrophes and spaces.

Guy walks into a sperm bank. Nurse says, “Get a load of this guy!”

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside? I have like 50 wooden balls already.

Schrodinger’s Dumpster

My dear friend died in a drowning accident recently. I brought a life jacket to his funeral. It’s what he would have wanted.

I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday. It was the least I could do.

Got some new ink yesterday!!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do you want a beer?” The horse thinks a moment and says “I think not”, and poof, he disappears. Now admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with with French Enlightenment philosopher Rene Descartes, who famously said “I think...

I lost my closest fishing buddy in a hideous accident today. His finger got stuck in a wedding ring.

I’m not saying I’m old, but when I was a kid in art class we made ashtrays for our parents.

I just burned 2500 calories in 30 minutes. I forgot to take the brownies out of the oven.

I can hear my wife two rooms away singing to the dog about the “best friends club”. It’s about how she and the dog are in the best friends club, and I’m not in it. Men have to be so strong to put up with this kind of treatment.

90% of bald men still own a comb. They just can’t part with it.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus, it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who it belongs to.

I’m curious about people’s thoughts. I received a really nice pair of sound cancelling ear buds for Christmas. With these, I can now listen to most of my music library that resides on my phone, as well as every other piece of music via Spotify. Also available are some very entertaining and...

I don’t mean to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

I miss pictures of Mingo’s reels. I think it was Mingo’s. If you know, you know.