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A new study has shown that people who drink their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. The same study shows that people who order a quad shot non-fat vanilla soy extra foam light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

Son: “Dad, I can’t go to sleep, the bougie man is under my bed.” Dad: “Don’t you mean the boogeyman?” Voice from under the bed: “The thread count on these sheets is RIDICULOUS.”

I am a sychic. For instance, right now I know you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot”.

My ex called me and said she wanted to get back together!! I just can’t believe my good luck!! Last week I won the lottery, and now this!!!

I found $20 in the parking lot, and I thought “What Would Jesus Do?” So, I turned it into wine.

I found a random piece of plastic on my garage floor that looked like it broke off of something. I put it in my work bench “miscellaneous” drawer just in case, where it will stay until I die.

My doctor said I might die because I accidentally consumed clay. Candidly, I’m shitting bricks.

English is a very weird language. Read and lead rhyme, and so do read and lead. But read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

I walked into the hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. I asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?” She said, “No, it kills them.”

My wife and I are at the car dealer and are narrowing down our choice. My wife asks the salesman, “Cargo space”? Salesman says, “Car no do that. Car go road.”

I tried to come up with a good OJ joke this morning, but ultimately the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze.

There are two types of people: those who stop the microwave with one second left, and those who let it ding.

The excitement I had going to a party as a teenager is the same excitement I have now when a party is cancelled.

“It’s Raining Men” and “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” are songs about the same thing from different perspectives.

Scientists are studying the effects of cannabis on shore birds. They’re leaving no tern unstoned.

I was asked in a work safety meeting what steps I would take in the event of a fire. Apparently “Long fast ones” was not the answer they were looking for.

I was told to watch the eclipse through a colander. It strained my eyes.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but most of them don’t work.