Recent content by Mukman

A new study has shown that people who drink their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. The same study shows that people who order a quad shot non-fat vanilla soy extra foam light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

Son: “Dad, I can’t go to sleep, the bougie man is under my bed.” Dad: “Don’t you mean the boogeyman?” Voice from under the bed: “The thread count on these sheets is RIDICULOUS.”

I am a sychic. For instance, right now I know you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot”.

My ex called me and said she wanted to get back together!! I just can’t believe my good luck!! Last week I won the lottery, and now this!!!

I found $20 in the parking lot, and I thought “What Would Jesus Do?” So, I turned it into wine.

I found a random piece of plastic on my garage floor that looked like it broke off of something. I put it in my work bench “miscellaneous” drawer just in case, where it will stay until I die.

My doctor said I might die because I accidentally consumed clay. Candidly, I’m shitting bricks.

English is a very weird language. Read and lead rhyme, and so do read and lead. But read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

I walked into the hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. I asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?” She said, “No, it kills them.”

My wife and I are at the car dealer and are narrowing down our choice. My wife asks the salesman, “Cargo space”? Salesman says, “Car no do that. Car go road.”

I tried to come up with a good OJ joke this morning, but ultimately the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze.

There are two types of people: those who stop the microwave with one second left, and those who let it ding.

The excitement I had going to a party as a teenager is the same excitement I have now when a party is cancelled.