Reflections from the end of my first long term relationship

Dloy said:
Ah, mawwidge. I can tell you it’s a win win proposition and you almost can’t lose. You get mawwied and that’s the happiest day of your life. Until you get divorced. Then that is the happiest day of your life. And then you repeat. Some of us have been happy happy happy happy.
Just a tip from the top. YMMV
Sorry if I’m insensitive. Knot
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I don’t know why but this jogged a wise memory…

If ya can’t find happiness in being single, ya won’t find happiness in being with someone.

Find the happy you…strengthen your resolve.

The future is bright.
 
speedbird said:
My girlfriend left me just over a month ago. We had been together for two years. She was 21 and I am 24, we are both young, have a ton of growing to do, and I had no delusions that I knew I was going to be with her forever. But it felt so sudden. If I look back I can think of many things that built up to this happening. I spent 8 months of our relationship chronically stressed from a job I hated with a negative outlook on life in general. It almost came to a breaking point three months before we actually split but we held on. We had been starting to fight more. The tension and "spark" had faded and been replaced by familiarity and comfort. One could say many things on her end too led to this, relationships are a two way street, I was good to her, and nothing I did on its own would have justified her leaving. At the end of the day, one can only analyze their own actions, and it is a waste of mental space to try and retroactively mind read the other person. From my perspective, the things we fought about on occasion seemed so trivial, and they were so rare that they never took up even a second of headspace once we talked through it, and we always talked through it, or at least I thought we did. At the same time, up until the second we tearfully said goodbye in my car outside her house, it felt like there was still a deep, genuine love between us.

I suppose we outgrew each other. It's funny because the 19-22 age gap we started out with sounds bigger on paper than 24 and 21. But one man starting a full time career while a woman finishes her college degree makes you confront different aspects of life and grow in different ways. I always thought we had both learned to be happy together. I think it is safe to say that we met each other at our personal lows, it is also fair to say her personal low was deeper than mine, as I think mine was more a prison of my minds own creating. We learned not just to be happy with each other but on our own. Individual pleasures and achievements became something to share. All of a sudden, making yourself happy had a powerful external motivator. Her phone is full of fish photos she neither asked for nor had much interest in, but seeing my jubilant expressions of joy at my first Cutthroat on a fly or unusually large King or whale sighting brought her joy. Just like her summary of her gender studies class work or new song she found made me happy. I caved and broke no contact with her during the Area 9 opener. Being happy at the 20lb+ wild I landed and released and the 15lb wild the very next day hurt after they swam off and I realized I didn't have my fishing cheerleader anymore. We had a nice, warm, but short conversation that she allowed to end.

We could talk about and do just about anything together, and be happy just with each others company. When we met just over two years ago the connection was instantaneous. I don't want to say it was love at first sight because it built itself over time, but I have never met someone in my entire life who I was able to talk to so easily despite never having met them before. I usually overthink every word I say to everyone but with her I could talk and never have to think about what I said, from the very beginning. I didn't just loose my lover, I lost my partner, and my best friend. The last two years felt like a pause from the adult I had become before I met her. The person before her was jaded and felt like he was drifting aimlessly. The person the last two years had the same happy smile he had as a kid, and felt grounded and real.

Most of all I miss the little things, our own little "language" we created to talk to each other that consisted mostly of vocal stims, goofy facial expressions, and exaggerated responses.

Every morning I wake up in tremendous pain, disappointment and sadness. It gets better throughout the day but feels like it goes back to zero when I wake up again the next day. I have moments where I don't feel the way I normally do, although I still constantly think about it in the back of my head, and if I notice I try to mindfully appreciate the reprieve. Driving to work hurts everyday because I pass our favorite restaurant. Being with friends hurts because I have to be in her new neighborhood. Driving to job sites around my office hurts because I drive past her moms house. Even things that used to give me joy like fishing or being on the boat hurt, because it brings back memories of times with her. Fishing in particular is such a meditative activity for me that i get trapped in my thoughts in between tugs, and I have basically lost all desire/compulsion to do it.

I try hard to make my life alone worth living and will just keep trying. Whether it is making plans with friends, going to the gym consistently, but it feels like I am just going through the motions, and it all feels so hollow. The scariest part of this for me is the knowledge that my life without her will never feel as light, or happy, or natural, or carefree, and I feel certain in this because I remember life before her. I feel myself slowly adjusting to a new normal, but the new normal isn't the happy, content, nurturing and carefree guy I became over the last two years. It's the person I was before her. Jaded, tired, hollow, emptied out. I told my therapist it feels like I am picking up the pieces of my life all while more pieces are actively breaking.

The last few weeks I'd been feeling like my life was too good, and that I had it too easy, and that I didn't deserve to be as happy as I was. I suppose part of becoming a man is experiencing things that are truly painful, especially when I had as much privilege as I had.

Oh well, I am regretting sitting home instead of going out for the A10 opener. Hope I can hit the beaches for coho soon
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I have been married for 50 years , kids and grandkids . Was it easy ? No. My advice ? Stay away from women until you are older. And I mean far away. Plenty of time for that later. Coho now !
 
speedbird said:
My girlfriend left me just over a month ago. We had been together for two years. She was 21 and I am 24, we are both young, have a ton of growing to do, and I had no delusions that I knew I was going to be with her forever. But it felt so sudden. If I look back I can think of many things that built up to this happening. I spent 8 months of our relationship chronically stressed from a job I hated with a negative outlook on life in general. It almost came to a breaking point three months before we actually split but we held on. We had been starting to fight more. The tension and "spark" had faded and been replaced by familiarity and comfort. One could say many things on her end too led to this, relationships are a two way street, I was good to her, and nothing I did on its own would have justified her leaving. At the end of the day, one can only analyze their own actions, and it is a waste of mental space to try and retroactively mind read the other person. From my perspective, the things we fought about on occasion seemed so trivial, and they were so rare that they never took up even a second of headspace once we talked through it, and we always talked through it, or at least I thought we did. At the same time, up until the second we tearfully said goodbye in my car outside her house, it felt like there was still a deep, genuine love between us.

I suppose we outgrew each other. It's funny because the 19-22 age gap we started out with sounds bigger on paper than 24 and 21. But one man starting a full time career while a woman finishes her college degree makes you confront different aspects of life and grow in different ways. I always thought we had both learned to be happy together. I think it is safe to say that we met each other at our personal lows, it is also fair to say her personal low was deeper than mine, as I think mine was more a prison of my minds own creating. We learned not just to be happy with each other but on our own. Individual pleasures and achievements became something to share. All of a sudden, making yourself happy had a powerful external motivator. Her phone is full of fish photos she neither asked for nor had much interest in, but seeing my jubilant expressions of joy at my first Cutthroat on a fly or unusually large King or whale sighting brought her joy. Just like her summary of her gender studies class work or new song she found made me happy. I caved and broke no contact with her during the Area 9 opener. Being happy at the 20lb+ wild I landed and released and the 15lb wild the very next day hurt after they swam off and I realized I didn't have my fishing cheerleader anymore. We had a nice, warm, but short conversation that she allowed to end.

We could talk about and do just about anything together, and be happy just with each others company. When we met just over two years ago the connection was instantaneous. I don't want to say it was love at first sight because it built itself over time, but I have never met someone in my entire life who I was able to talk to so easily despite never having met them before. I usually overthink every word I say to everyone but with her I could talk and never have to think about what I said, from the very beginning. I didn't just loose my lover, I lost my partner, and my best friend. The last two years felt like a pause from the adult I had become before I met her. The person before her was jaded and felt like he was drifting aimlessly. The person the last two years had the same happy smile he had as a kid, and felt grounded and real.

Most of all I miss the little things, our own little "language" we created to talk to each other that consisted mostly of vocal stims, goofy facial expressions, and exaggerated responses.

Every morning I wake up in tremendous pain, disappointment and sadness. It gets better throughout the day but feels like it goes back to zero when I wake up again the next day. I have moments where I don't feel the way I normally do, although I still constantly think about it in the back of my head, and if I notice I try to mindfully appreciate the reprieve. Driving to work hurts everyday because I pass our favorite restaurant. Being with friends hurts because I have to be in her new neighborhood. Driving to job sites around my office hurts because I drive past her moms house. Even things that used to give me joy like fishing or being on the boat hurt, because it brings back memories of times with her. Fishing in particular is such a meditative activity for me that i get trapped in my thoughts in between tugs, and I have basically lost all desire/compulsion to do it.

I try hard to make my life alone worth living and will just keep trying. Whether it is making plans with friends, going to the gym consistently, but it feels like I am just going through the motions, and it all feels so hollow. The scariest part of this for me is the knowledge that my life without her will never feel as light, or happy, or natural, or carefree, and I feel certain in this because I remember life before her. I feel myself slowly adjusting to a new normal, but the new normal isn't the happy, content, nurturing and carefree guy I became over the last two years. It's the person I was before her. Jaded, tired, hollow, emptied out. I told my therapist it feels like I am picking up the pieces of my life all while more pieces are actively breaking.

The last few weeks I'd been feeling like my life was too good, and that I had it too easy, and that I didn't deserve to be as happy as I was. I suppose part of becoming a man is experiencing things that are truly painful, especially when I had as much privilege as I had.

Oh well, I am regretting sitting home instead of going out for the A10 opener. Hope I can hit the beaches for coho soon
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Also keep this in mind . if I stayed single I would now have a lot bigger boat . Kids are big $$$$$$$$$$$$$ thru college .
 
I don’t have any advice brother. Talk to a pro if you feel it’s necessary.

One thing I can say now after 50 years (yikes!) of life experience is things will most likely come around. The likelihood of that statement being true even higher if your younger. In that regard, your in good shape.

Oh and watch Swingers as @Matt B recommended. I think it’s on Paramount!
 
Listen to some John Prine.

Make getting out fishing with friends a priority so you don't get in your head to much.

I have no idea what life is going to bring you but at 24 there is a whole lot more coming. Learn the lesson of Orpheus and don't look back.
 
cchinook45 said:
I have been married for 50 years , kids and grandkids . Was it easy ? No. My advice ? Stay away from women until you are older. And I mean far away. Plenty of time for that later. Coho now !
Click to expand...
The nice thing about the Muslim community in the U.S. is we kept arranged marriages but made it less about social status and power and more about putting people together based on long term compatibility rather than feelings. It’s looking like an attractive option but who knows. I’m committed to nothing serious for the next two years for the sake of my own self betterment so it’s not like I need to think about it
 
speedbird said:
The nice thing about the Muslim community in the U.S. is we kept arranged marriages but made it less about social status and power and more about putting people together based on long term compatibility rather than feelings.
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Years ago, I tried to jokingly arrange a marriage between my son and a girl whose prospects were outstanding. I even used Jane Austen style lines like "she has pleasant features, can sing and play the harpsichord, is kind to a fault, and it is universally acknowledged she has near £5000 a year!"

Perhaps wisely, He would have none of it. He was like 11 at the time.

In Western Civ, a contemporary hero's journey seeks a soul mate, as though there is but one out there.

Parents will often see it differently, Soul Mates? Good lord they're a dime a dozen. If looks, wit and memory fade, there is something to be said for "he/she is strong like ox...."
 
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speedbird said:
The nice thing about the Muslim community in the U.S. is we kept arranged marriages but made it less about social status and power and more about putting people together based on long term compatibility rather than feelings. It’s looking like an attractive option but who knows. I’m committed to nothing serious for the next two years for the sake of my own self betterment so it’s not like I need to think about it
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Many years ago I worked with an old Italian American whose parents first met on their wedding day. Their large families lived far apart in rural America but had immigrated from the same community in Italy and knew each other well.

While his parents were married on the first day they'd met they weren't intended to sleep together immediately but were chaperoned for many months on their respective family homesteads.

The marriage lasted over 65 years, produced a slew of productive citizens, and according to my coworker his parents were an extremely happy and close couple.

Strong, nurturing and enduring relationships are built on compatibility, not fleeting lust.
 
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I’ve been married for 21 years…

Advice:
Find someone who has similar world view, goals, etc…those are the things that break people up after the honeymoon phase is over.

Find a woman with a good heart. Run if the signs tell you to…

Or, just don’t get married, and start squirreling away money, then retire early😎
 
564-529-3530
Wadin' Boot said:
If looks, wit and memory fade, there is something to be said for "he/she is strong like ox...."
Click to expand...
Or smart like a streetcar...
 
Pigs said:
I’ve been married for 21 years…

Advice:
Find someone who has similar world view, goals, etc…those are the things that break people up after the honeymoon phase is over.

Find a woman with a good heart. Run if the signs tell you to…

Or, just don’t get married, and start squirreling away money, then retire early😎
Click to expand...
Good advice!

Got married when we were 18...and we've been married over 56 years....only because we matured in a compatible manner via sheer luck.
 
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