The Glide Path

[JayB]

As someone who's in the midst of midlife, whenever I encounter someone with vaguely similar interests who seems to have transitioned to sort of a post-midlife routine I find myself wondering "At what point did work, family, and other responsibilities start to wind-down enough that time-scarcity was no longer the primary constraint?" If I had to venture a guess, I'd imagine that it vaguely corresponded with the youngest kids in the family reaching ~16, becoming more independent, and able to drive themselves the places they need to go. Is that how it worked out in practice?

I'm enjoying family life, and will miss a great deal about this phase when it's over but do find myself thinking over the horizon from time to time and wondering when the phase-shift will happen and I start to find myself discovering "It's 8:35PM on a weekday and I can just....sit down and tie some flies for an hour because I've got nothing else that I need to do right now" or "Hmmm. By the looks of this June's calendar I might actually be able to take off for three-weeks and do that canoe trip down the Yukon that I started looking into years ago...." etc, etc. etc.

I realize that there are often other constraints that can kick in even when free-time isn't an issue, but for those that have crossed that event-horizon and are inclined to answer: Where were you at in life when you started to feel like you'd reached the point where your obligations and responsibilities started to tangibly diminish and you felt like you were starting down the glide-path towards being able to (semi) freely engage your hobbies and interests again?

 

[Shawn Seeger]

So... this has been a struggle since I was in my 30s... Never enough time! And I really worked at balance, but every spring the emotional spike happened. (All kinda does) I was blessed with a wife that recognizes when I am getting to the super stressed point and would just say "You need to go to the woods? We will be fine this weekend or next week." Even though it would still fight my own empties emotions of "responsibility" I knew if she was seeing it I was probably acting out our talking it out on others.

I was raised to focus on family and service, and so many times it was trying to balance giving to others and the "selfish" guilt of doing what I wanted. So, I really worked on being very present when with family and other responsibilities. My wife was once asked by several "scout moms" why she let me go so much, her answer meant a lot to me "Why would I stop him from doing what brings him joy and refreshes him for when he is with me and our family."

So, just recently I kinda lashed out when asked about a doctor's appointment and baby sitting grandkids in the spring... "I only have so many seasons left!, I am prioritizing me this season!" Then I apologized. Last season had many canceled trips due to my wife's health needs, my own and family, so I was already feeling it.

Now the recommendation...
* use a calendar start in December and put any trips on it as soon as possible! Schedule yearly trips (supports longevity, always something to look forward to)
* let family and commitments know your schedule! Tell them all "I will help when I can, so always ask just don't take it badly if I say I can't help."
* teach and tell you kids that "you only have so many growing seasons left". We as sportsmen realize there is only one spring a year, so only so many openers left. And I will tell you matter of fact the years will really start flying by!
* try not to or don't combine family or community responsibilities with "fishing trips" someone will always have hurt/emotional feelings about this. If your on a vacation with your wife/partner don't try and sneak in a "fishing day", unless she wants a spa day and knows it isn't your thing. Take your fishing days in a "fishing trip/vacation"
* before you sit down, at the end of the day, to tie flies ALWAYS ask "Is there anything you need help with or me to do? I am going to go tie flies for a little while." That way it gives your wife/partner the understanding that you are going to be busy for a little while, but you will help before you start. Otherwise you are going to get grumpy when 5 minutes after you sit down they ask you to take the trash out or help them with something.

There is more but remember you have to refresh, so you have to prioritize yourself so you can be the best for them.

Advice if free so you get what you pay for...

 

[Salmo_g]

I think you captured it pretty well Jay. I recall anticipating the day when the kids would turn 16 and get their driver's licenses so that mom & pop taxi service could have a break. But along with that came the kids wanting to spend more time with their friends than with family. I wasn't hurt by it, but noticed that their no longer seemed to be time to teach one of them how to change a tire on the car should the need arise when they were out and about. It felt nice having more "me" time, but felt slightly strange having less time with the kids. Then the bigger change happened when they finished high school and went off to college. I really felt the force of the empty nest syndrome. I read that often hits fathers harder than mothers, which surprised me. I sorta' noticed that the amount of "me" time really increased, but I didn't feel free at all. With two kids in college (out of state) I was persistently broke for about five years, broke like I hadn't known since I was an impoverished college student. But clearly life was changing. Then one day both kids had finished college, and a new life phase began. I had discretionary income like I had never known before!

I bought a new car, replacing the worn out soccer mom mini van that the transmission was about to fall out of. And gradually began accumulating even more fishing tackle, just for the fun of it. So then I made a bucket list and began checking things off, starting with that once-in-a-lifetime fishing trip to Kamchatka. My kids have been grown and on their own for over 20 years now. I'm happy with their achievements academically and in their respective busy careers. I miss seeing them nearly every day, even though this is the future we strove for. So whatever the struggles of family life, enjoy every minute while you can.

 

[up2nogood]

I think you captured it pretty well Jay. I recall anticipating the day when the kids would turn 16 and get their driver's licenses so that mom & pop taxi service could have a break. But along with that came the kids wanting to spend more time with their friends than with family. I wasn't hurt by it, but noticed that their no longer seemed to be time to teach one of them how to change a tire on the car should the need arise when they were out and about. It felt nice having more "me" time, but felt slightly strange having less time with the kids. Then the bigger change happened when they finished high school and went off to college. I really felt the force of the empty nest syndrome. I read that often hits fathers harder than mothers, which surprised me. I sorta' noticed that the amount of "me" time really increased, but I didn't feel free at all. With two kids in college (out of state) I was persistently broke for about five years, broke like I hadn't known since I was an impoverished college student. But clearly life was changing. Then one day both kids had finished college, and a new life phase began. I had discretionary income like I had never known before!

I bought a new car, replacing the worn out soccer mom mini van that the transmission was about to fall out of. And gradually began accumulating even more fishing tackle, just for the fun of it. So then I made a bucket list and began checking things off, starting with that once-in-a-lifetime fishing trip to Kamchatka. My kids have been grown and on their own for over 20 years now. I'm happy with their achievements academically and in their respective busy careers. I miss seeing them nearly every day, even though this is the future we strove for. So whatever the struggles of family life, enjoy every minute while you can.

I Have been blessed both boys still close by . Ages 48 and 53 we played golf with both yesterday ,and today again us four . The two boys wife ,and I . Couldn't get any better . Then a bit of fishing Tuesday .

Been a long time since the days described above , nothing to add , what Jay said got it pretty well .

 

[DimeBrite]

If at all possible, don't delay your plans & aspirations any longer. Limitations of aging, disease, and wild card events are on the horizon. Most men wait far too long and the opportunities vanish. Be reponsible and thoughtful of course, but don't hide behind your obligations. Take action and solidify your plans now. Once you commit you will tap new energy and you will find the needed time and resources. Your family members might join you on some endeavors, others might be solo. Start now! If you need inspiration volunteer at a retirement home and listen to their stories.

 

[SurfnFish]

Having life long passions makes for a gradual glide path, much like an airliner taking it home from cruising altitude with a slow descent until the runway appears in sight. And treat them as close friends, there for us through all the unavoidable speed bumps of living, making for fine memories that remain with us until the moment of wheels down.

 

[Buzzy]

My wife and I have been empty nesters for 29 years now, our daughter and family live 1,300 miles away (at least they are on the same continent now). We've been fortunate enough to be able to snow bird close to them for four years now. Being a grandpa is (most of the time) a lot easier than being a full time dad (the grandkids go home at night or we head back to our casa) and it's a lot of fun. Picture an uncoordinated 76 year old man playing one on one basketball with an astonishingly fast eight year old!

My "glide path" has had a few bumps in it so @DimeBrite's recommendation of checking off your list earlier rather than later (vanish) is spot on. @Shawn Seeger is also spot on - we don't know how many more season openers we're going to have. (Looking forward to seeing you next spring, Shawn!)

 

[RCF]

I am not sure there really is a 'glide path'. Rather the view of what it will be changes as life progresses. For example:

Got married and bought a home. Put in a yard and gardens, with some remodeling along the way. Preparing for kids so I knew the glide path was a ways out. Kids did not happen so adopted two later in life. Glide path was delayed. Hoping for more time when they went off to college. I retired when the kids were in junior high and high school. Glide path in my near future. But no, paid for their college education over a 7 year timeframe. Like @Salmo_g , almost broke paying for it. They both graduated and glide path is very close. But no, they moved back in due to economics. So here in my early 70's and the kids are still at home. Wife is still working to help ends meet due to the economy.

We were fortunate to be able to do so much along the way. I was able to pursue my hobbies and fishing along the way. Our vacations almost always were associated with places with fishing nearby. My wife and I each had one week a year to go on vacation separately so we could 'refresh'. Also, my wife would 'kick me out of the house' when she saw my stress level was too much. Those are probably what saved our marriage.

As others have said, take advantage of things earlier in life when you know your health issues and other speed bumps in life are in the future. They will come. Case in point; due to recent health issues I have not fished one hour since July (and I live on a lake). My 'glide path' has changed dramatically this year.

 

[adamcu280]

If at all possible, don't delay your plans & aspirations any longer. Limitations of aging, disease, and wild card events are on the horizon. Most men wait far too long and the opportunities vanish. Be reponsible and thoughtful of course, but don't hide behind your obligations. Take action and solidify your plans now. Once you commit you will tap new energy and you will find the needed time and resources. Your family members might join you on some endeavors, others might be solo. Start now! If you need inspiration volunteer at a retirement home and listen to their stories.

I don't have kids and never will thank Science but your opener and closer are lessons that I've learned from being someone's kid, living through a tragedy that killed the two people standing next to me which gave me a newfound appreciation for how uncertain life is, and also from working at a retirement home... cough... I mean Lindblad Expeditions... with generally older guests.

The Lindblad Expeditions thing was an eye opener for sure. I'd be making peanuts while guiding these hyper successful very rich folks that had busted their asses making a shitload of money and now that they're retired they're ticking off their bucket list things "this year we're doing SE AK, and last year we did Patagonia, and next year we're doing Antarctica..." Invariably I'd have guests that were too old or infirm to actually enjoy where they were. At least a couple folks on every trip would tell me they wished they'd done this stuff when they were my age because they realized that they had waited too long.

My MO has always been to do the things I've wanted to do as best I can when I can. Don't wait. Spend the money. Die with nothing. Do the things while you can, and then live with memories as a bonus after the experience vs. waiting and wishing. You don't know how much time you have and you don't know when it's going to end.

Edit: this is why I've got plans for 2026 including going to see Iron Maiden in Mexico City with the gal and some dear friends; hopefully visiting more dear friends in Palawan with the gal; tuna fishing; Mag Bay if possible; some skiing and snowboarding; hopefully a little micro tour with my band; and hopefully plenty of intentional down time for just relaxing and chilling. There's no time to waste!

 

[Scudley Do Right]

I just turned 41 and have a son who turns 6 next week. I've always fish more than most so my wife didn't go into the relationship blind to how much I would be fishing. Before we got married I would fish 3 or more days a week. This has slowed down but I still probably go more than many dads with young kids. Hunting has taken a backseat but I don't mind. Recently I found myself wanting to ride bikes with my son more than anything. I've always realized life is fleeting but a few weeks ago that feeling was cemented for me. I was at the ER for a shoulder injury when a stranger walked into the room and told me I have cancer. I'm going to be fine with a little chemo but it's hard to put into words the prospective. I would say take the advice to make the time to do the things you want sooner rather than later. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed.