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I wish athletes would just shut up and play sports. If I wanted to listen to someone who chases a ball, I’d talk to my dog.

My grandson asked me what game I played on the iPad as a kid. I told him I talked into the fan to sound like a robot.

Have a daughter so you can argue with a tiny version of yourself every single morning.

Yesterday I wore something from five years ago and it still fit! So proud of myself. It was a pair of socks. But still. Let’s be positive here!

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube off the kitchen floor.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years with no brains gives hope to many people.

My wife and I decided we don’t want to have children. We’re going to let them know at dinner tonight.

So you mean to tell me a stress ball is not for throwing at people who stress me out??

I got a tax deduction when I donated to the Atheist Foundation. It’s a non-prophet.

Friend: “What did your wife do just before the baby came?” Me: “She said, ‘FUUUUUUUUUCK’ and a little bit of poo came out” Friend: “I meant work-wise” Me: Oh. She was an accountant.”

My wife took a pregnancy test, and when it came back unexpectedly positive, she looked at me and said: “Your kid in me.”

I hate it when I’m singing along with a song on the radio and the artist gets the words wrong.

My whole life can be summed up in one sentence: “Well, that didn’t go as planned.”

You’re just being acute!

I’m all for farming. I guess you could say I’m

These can’t be the same knees I used to jump off swings in midair and land with.

My mom as a mom: “You get what you get. Deal with it” My mom as a grandma: “Do you want your grilled cheese cut in hearts or stars?”

I don’t mean to brag, but I can shake your hand and forget your name at the same time.

Nothing refreshes your memory of what you need from the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store

When your wife is sharing her work drama with you, and suddenly you find yourself hating Becky whom you’ve never met.