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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided that the most beautiful form of self expression was punching someone in the face.

I just played a U2-themed board game called “Bonopoly”. It’s like regular Monopoly except the streets have no names.

Coldplay hasn’t made a single in years Last night, they made two.

Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the very first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.

Ever notice that when geese fly in a “v” formation, one side is longer than the other? That’s because there are more geese on that side.

I wanted to come up with a carpentry pun, and finally came up with one that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled correctly is still spelled incorrectly.

My son was just born. Another dad at the hospital said his daughter was born yesterday, and said that maybe they’d marry someday. Yeah. Like my son is going to marry someone twice his age.

Doesn’t matter how old you are…. If you’re buying snacks for a road trip, it should look like someone gave a 9 year old $100.

They’re saying to check on the elderly this summer during heat waves. I’m up at 6AM. Bring doughnuts.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear smart until they start to speak.

Fun fact: How do you tell the sex of an ant? Put it in water. If it sinks: Girl ant If it floats…..

Guy is walking in the park on a glorious day. He comes to two guys sitting on a bench, looking very down. “What’s the matter gentlemen? It’s a beautiful day!” One of the guys on the bench sighs and says, “Sit down, and I’ll tell you.” The guy sits down, and the glum guy says “The paint is wet.”

I feel like I’m a cell phone. Even if I charge all night, I’m at about 50% by 11 AM.

They’re developing a new fragrance specifically for introverts. It’s called “Leave Me the Fuh Cologne”

It is very rare to see a flying carp. Seeing an osprey hitching a ride on a flying carp is incredible.

Apologies to Dloy for the repeat - it was so good it had to be said twice.

What I remember from my college logic class: Cheese has holes. More Cheese = More Holes More Holes = Less Cheese Ergo, More Cheese = Less Cheese