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Engine on my truck took a dump on Dec 20th. Got a new RAM. Guess I was on both the naughty AND nice list.

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. Eating too much pie, however, is OK because the sin of pi is zero.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”, and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn.

Remember, if you’re ever attacked by clowns, go for the juggler.

I was going out with a girl on a first date. Her father told me to have her back by 9:30. I said, “End of September? That’s cool.”

Sure, skydiving is scary, but have you ever been at somebody’s house and the toilet won’t flush?

She was probably doing it for two bucks.

I’ve opened three birthday cards and I already have $150! I love being a postman.

Nine months isn’t that long. But to some, it can seem like a maternity.

My brain just logged me out due to inactivity, and I can’t remember the password.

A woman had a husband who enjoyed his drink too much had finally had enough, and told him that if he came home drunk again, she was leaving him. After a while, the husband went to the pub and really tied one on, and puked all over himself. As he sat there dreading to go home, his buddy said...

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person. Her actual words were “You’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

Two old men are sitting at a bar. One says to the other, “Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?” His buddy said, “Aw feck. I just joined the Rotary.”

My grandson proposed to his fiancée four weeks ago, and she said yes. They’re super happy, and we really like her family. I just found out another girl is in love with him, and intends on proposing too….should I say anything? Oh, and also - he’s four. They’re all four.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian*. Now I need to see a Cairo practer. * That’s another pop culture reference, albeit from the 80’s. I didn’t pay much attention then either.

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on the plane. The woman sneezed, gently wiped her nose, and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds. This went on, over and over. Finally, the man asked “Is everything alright?” The woman replied, “I’m very sorry, I have a medical condition...

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

Of all the food that taste like chicken, it’s weird that an egg isn’t one of them.

Tips for falling asleep in the living room chair: 1). Be old 2). Sit in chair

I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male”. Now it says, “Keep driving, it’s around here somewhere.”