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SCUBA is an acronym which stands for “Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.” TUBA is also an acronym which stands for “Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus”.

How do you fit 100 math teachers in a room that only fits 99? You carry the one.

A very old man lay dying in the hospital. All of the relatives had come to say their goodbyes, and now it was just the old man and his wife of 70 years. He said, “Jane, it has been a long life, and you’ve been with me for most of it. Do you remember when I came home from the war with those...

My 95 year old grandmother was on her deathbed at her home. She had lived a long and fruitful life. She asked, “Is my wonderful husband William here?” William softly replied, “Yes my darling, I am here with you.” She asked, “How about my lovely children - are they here?” They all, in their...

I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person! All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

During his annual check up, the middle aged man asked his doctor, “How do you diagnose if some one needs to go to a nursing home? The doctor replied, “Well, we fill up a bathtub with water, and give the patient a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket, and we ask the patient to empty the tub.” “Ah”, the...

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Is this stool taken?”

Guy awakens from anesthesia following eye surgery. The surgeon comes in and says, “Well, I have good news and bad news.” The patient says, “OK, let’s have the good news first.” The surgeon says, “You’re getting a new dog!”

A receptacle for my grandfather.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 52 pallets of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would...

Learning French has really taught me to live in the moment because I currently cannot conjugate any other verb tense.

Not all manufacturing work is equally exciting. For instance, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, while joining two pieces of metal together is riveting.

I always have a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It’s a reminder of why there’s no money in it.

A pastor decides to skip services on Sunday so he could go fly fishing. On Saturday, he tells his associate he’s sick and away he goes. As he makes his first cast, the wind catches his fly and drops it much further in the river than he has ever thrown it before, right on the nose of a 12 pound...

There’s a new guy at work named Wayne Bruce. I said “Ah, Manbat, my old nemesis.” Nobody got it. My talents are wasted there.

Wolves were hunted to extinction in Great Britain because they were responsible for the destruction of both Strawhenge and Stickhenge.

As a child I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

I decided to make my kids burgers from scratch. They cried and cried. I don’t know why - it was a stupid name for a cat.