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A disheveled and somewhat unsteady doe staggered out of the woods, and after a moment said, “That’s the last time I do THAT for two bucks.

My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have H2O.” The second says, “I’ll have H2O, too.” Bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

My friends laughed at me when I said I had a hot date, because they said she was imaginary. Well, the laugh’s on them because they’re imaginary, too.

An athlete walks into a bar, And gets disqualified from the high jump.

Larva was a great band, Until the Beatles emerged.

Went swimming today. Peed in the pool. Lifeguard saw it. He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in the deep end.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d come in 4th just so I wouldn’t have to walk to the podium.

To all the people who said I’d never accomplish anything because of my procrastination: Just you wait.

Between Saving Private Ryan ($70 million), Interstellar ($165M million) and The Martian ($108 million), America has spent nearly $350 million trying to rescue Matt Damon.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler after you ask them “What’s in your mouth?”.

Wait!! You mean we have fact checkers that validate all the facts?? They should make a TV show about that. We could call it “The News”.

I’ve reached the age that when I take ibuprofen, it doesn’t even know where to start.

My 4 year old grandson can’t say “please” in Spanish. That’s poor for four.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

Guy walks into a liquor store, and the man behind the counter asks, “Do you need help?” Guy says “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime.

She died doing what she loved best: walking into the road saying, “Pedestrians have the right of way.”

A frog got his DNA tested. He’s mostly German, some Irish, and a tad Pole.

My wife and I just celebrated ten years of happy marriage. It was, coincidentally, our 30th wedding anniversary.