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I hate when I leave stuff in my cart and don't buy it, then the company emails me like, “Forget something”? Yeah, I forgot I don't have $900.

WANTED: Caretaker for my beach house. Also, beach house. Also, money for beach house.

My wife and I are trying role playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is “sexy librarian” where I sit quietly while she reads a book.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those who can't relax when there are dishes in the sink and those who don't even notice them. And they end up marrying each other.

Hah!! It has been a while, and I got the FishCat Scout. Sadly, I wasn’t able to use it much this past spring, but I have set a goal of fishing 14 days in October. Wish me luck.

I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. Now I’ll be able to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

I was in the bank yesterday & the woman behind the counter started singing: "When your alone & life is making you lonely, you can always go DOWNTOWN” I thought to myself, what a Peculiar Clerk.

I LOVE having conversations with my grandkids. No one else asks me what my favorite dinosaur is.

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, “All married people please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death...

I recently joined a nudist colony. The first few days were the hardest.

It’s amazing how music can transport you to another place. For instance, the coffee shop I’m in is playing Justin Bieber, so I’m going to a different restaurant.

Cars these days have too many gadgets. I tried to reverse, and it played a video of someone getting run over by a car.

I just had a beer that on the side said “Best drunk 8/25”. I’d like to thank the company for this prestigious award.

The word “Queue” is ironic. It’s just the letter Q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.

A door to door salesman rings the doorbell. A twelve year old boy with a cognac in one hand and a cigar in the other answers the door. The salesman asks, “Are your parents home?” Kid answers, “What do you think?”

I was watching a show called “Five Ways to Avoid Shark Attacks” and was surprised that “stay out of the water” wasn’t one of them.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon it would come down to who is the better cyclist.

It’s like my mom used to say to me: “You’re not the dumbest guy in the world, but you’d better hope he doesn’t die.”

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven. After a bit, God meets with him and says, “I know you have been curious about much. Ask me any question, and I will tell you the unmitigated truth.” The fellow thinks a moment and asks, “Who shot JFK?” God says, “Oswald. Acting alone.” The...

My wife says I can be an idiot sometimes Nice of her to give me permission like that!