NFR Humor

Non-fishing related

Herkileez

Life of the Party
Forum Supporter
Before bringing a dog into your home, you'll need to establish some firm ground rules.......

THE DOG RULES

  1. The new dog is never permitted in the house. The new dog stays outside, in a specially-but compartment named, for a very good reason, “the doghouse”.
  2. OK. The dog can enter the house, but only for short visits, or if his own house is under renovation.
  3. OK. The dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse can be sold in a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner.
  4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free, but is confined to a comfortable, but secure, metal cage.
  5. OK. The cage becomes part of a “two-for-one” deal in the lawn sale and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
  6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
  7. OK. The dog can get up on the old furniture, but not on the new furniture.
  8. OK. The dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we’ll sell the whole works in a yard sale and buy new furniture on which he’ll definitely not be allowed.
  9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
  10. OK. The dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
  11. OK. The dog can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under the covers.
  12. OK. The dog can sleep alongside you under the covers, but not with his head on your pillow.
  13. OK. The dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers, with his head on the pillow, but if he snores, he’s got to leave the room.
  14. OK. The dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in your bed, but he’s not allowed to come in and sleep on the couch, which is where you’re now sleeping because THAT’S JUST NOT FAIR!!!
  15. In the event of any confusion regarding the above, just remember:
The dog RULES.
 

cdnred

Life of the Party
1675617678977-png.882048
 

Capt Insano Emeritis

Legend
Forum Supporter
Launched on SpacX 5 years ago today
whereisroadster.com

object -143205, "SpaceX Roadster (spacecraft) (Tesla)."

Circling the sun and Mars. It will pass Mars again in 2035. If , that is it is still in one piece.

It all seemed hard to believe to me initially, but then I read about Elon and realized he was a uniquely elevated intellectual wackjob. Here is a funny aside my prvious girlfriend wrote In Musk for Pres. a couple of elections ago.
 

Clean Willy

Steelhead
Forum Supporter
Rules for The Blues:

1. Most Blues should begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

  • a) highway
  • b) jailhouse
  • c) empty bed
Bad places:

  • a) Ashrams
  • b) gallery openings
  • c) Ivy League institutions
  • d) golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

  • a) you're older than dirt
  • b) you're blind
  • c) you shot a man in Memphis
  • d) you can't be satisfied.
No, if:

  • a) you have all your teeth
  • b) you were once blind but now can see
  • c) the man in Memphis lived.
  • d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

  • a) bad wine
  • b) bad whiskey or bad bourbon
  • c) muddy water
  • d) black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:

  • a) mixed drinks
  • b) kosher wine
  • c) Snapple
  • d) sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

  • a) Sadie
  • b) Big Mama
  • c) Bessie
  • d) Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:

  • a) Joe
  • b) Willie
  • c) Little Willie
  • d) Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Engineers can't have the blues. 'ceptin' train engineers, of course.

20. Shoes with tassels are not blues shoes. Other dress shoes are, as long as they got holes in 'em from walkin' so far to try to find that no-good, sorry woman what left you. If you own a pair of Air Jordans, you cannot have the blues.
 

Rio Grande King

Steelhead
Forum Supporter
Rules for The Blues:

1. Most Blues should begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

  • a) highway
  • b) jailhouse
  • c) empty bed
Bad places:

  • a) Ashrams
  • b) gallery openings
  • c) Ivy League institutions
  • d) golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

  • a) you're older than dirt
  • b) you're blind
  • c) you shot a man in Memphis
  • d) you can't be satisfied.
No, if:

  • a) you have all your teeth
  • b) you were once blind but now can see
  • c) the man in Memphis lived.
  • d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

  • a) bad wine
  • b) bad whiskey or bad bourbon
  • c) muddy water
  • d) black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:

  • a) mixed drinks
  • b) kosher wine
  • c) Snapple
  • d) sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

  • a) Sadie
  • b) Big Mama
  • c) Bessie
  • d) Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:

  • a) Joe
  • b) Willie
  • c) Little Willie
  • d) Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Engineers can't have the blues. 'ceptin' train engineers, of course.

20. Shoes with tassels are not blues shoes. Other dress shoes are, as long as they got holes in 'em from walkin' so far to try to find that no-good, sorry woman what left you. If you own a pair of Air Jordans, you cannot have the blues.
Great forum name/post synergy there, Willy. Stay away from Memphis.
 

Herkileez

Life of the Party
Forum Supporter
Rules for The Blues:

1. Most Blues should begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

  • a) highway
  • b) jailhouse
  • c) empty bed
Bad places:

  • a) Ashrams
  • b) gallery openings
  • c) Ivy League institutions
  • d) golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

  • a) you're older than dirt
  • b) you're blind
  • c) you shot a man in Memphis
  • d) you can't be satisfied.
No, if:

  • a) you have all your teeth
  • b) you were once blind but now can see
  • c) the man in Memphis lived.
  • d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

  • a) bad wine
  • b) bad whiskey or bad bourbon
  • c) muddy water
  • d) black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:

  • a) mixed drinks
  • b) kosher wine
  • c) Snapple
  • d) sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

  • a) Sadie
  • b) Big Mama
  • c) Bessie
  • d) Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:

  • a) Joe
  • b) Willie
  • c) Little Willie
  • d) Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Engineers can't have the blues. 'ceptin' train engineers, of course.

20. Shoes with tassels are not blues shoes. Other dress shoes are, as long as they got holes in 'em from walkin' so far to try to find that no-good, sorry woman what left you. If you own a pair of Air Jordans, you cannot have the blues.
Good guidelines! Other criteria might be if your dog died...or, at the very least, ain't looking too good...(Good God...mercy...mercy...)
 

East Coaster

Steelhead
Rules for The Blues:

1. Most Blues should begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

  • a) highway
  • b) jailhouse
  • c) empty bed
Bad places:

  • a) Ashrams
  • b) gallery openings
  • c) Ivy League institutions
  • d) golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

  • a) you're older than dirt
  • b) you're blind
  • c) you shot a man in Memphis
  • d) you can't be satisfied.
No, if:

  • a) you have all your teeth
  • b) you were once blind but now can see
  • c) the man in Memphis lived.
  • d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

  • a) bad wine
  • b) bad whiskey or bad bourbon
  • c) muddy water
  • d) black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:

  • a) mixed drinks
  • b) kosher wine
  • c) Snapple
  • d) sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

  • a) Sadie
  • b) Big Mama
  • c) Bessie
  • d) Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:

  • a) Joe
  • b) Willie
  • c) Little Willie
  • d) Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Engineers can't have the blues. 'ceptin' train engineers, of course.

20. Shoes with tassels are not blues shoes. Other dress shoes are, as long as they got holes in 'em from walkin' so far to try to find that no-good, sorry woman what left you. If you own a pair of Air Jordans, you cannot have the blues.
You mean this won't work?

Drove my ’23 Ferrari
To my townhouse in Palm Springs.
Had to spend a C to fill it
Now can’t afford those brand new Pings.

I got me the blues, yeah.
A bad case of the country club blues.
Don’t want to meet the gang for cocktails later
Cause I got those low down country club blues.

I guess it's back to the drawing board.....;)
 

jaredoconnor

Peabrain Chub
Forum Supporter
I recently discovered this guy. He's hilarious. Almost as good as Shane Gillis.



Red-comedian-blue-audience seems to be a thing now. It's fascinating. Louis commented on it, recently.

 

Capt Insano Emeritis

Legend
Forum Supporter
You mean this won't work?

Drove my ’23 Ferrari
To my townhouse in Palm Springs.
Had to spend a C to fill it
Now can’t afford those brand new Pings.

I got me the blues, yeah.
A bad case of the country club blues.
Don’t want to meet the gang for cocktails later
Cause I got those low down country club blues.

I guess it's back to the drawing board.....;)
Nice writin’
 
Top