NFR Humor (No political jokes)

[Mukman]

What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

 

[up2nogood]

SPEED KILLS

Own a Ford , and LIVE FOREVER

 

[Stonedfish]

 

[bobduck]

 

[Mukman]

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For instance:

Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.

Jane ate her friend’s colon.

 

[Mukman]

My mom used to say, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

Lovely woman, terrible surgeon.

 

[up2nogood]

I was walking past a farm and a

Sign said Duck , eggs

I thought : “ That’s an unnecessary

Comma - and then it hit me. “

 

[up2nogood]

The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped .

I only had a 9 iron but I still got it over the shed .

 

[up2nogood]

Dad can we go fishing ?

No , I don’t fish .

Drop me off at the orphanage you loser .

 

[Mossback]

 

[Stonedfish]

 

[Chris Johnson]

A man and woman meet in the old folks home and hit it off, eventually they decide to become intimate. The woman is standing in front of the man and says " Honey, I'm gonna give you super sex". The ol' boy looks up and asks "What kind of soup?"

 

[joefromchicago]

Q- What do you call bridges, dentures, and implants?

A-Different versions of the tooth.

 

[Wayne Kohan]

Got the usual morning email from our local newspaper this morning showing articles in todays paper. I was scrolling down on my iPad and caught the headline for one article sitting next to the picture of the next article. I think the launch failed.

 

[up2nogood]

We lost America around the time people quit

smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping

Strawberry Cheesecake.

 

[up2nogood]

Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails

$2. I paid my $2. and he says, once upon a time

there was this lobster ….

 

[up2nogood]

After 5000 years eating bread .

And in less than a decade everyone is allergic to

Gluten .

 

[DanielOcean]

 

[Salmo_g]

Hey, my new Tacoma didn't come with a snorkel. Must not be a factory install.

 

[Dloy]

Total sidebar but since it was a shocker to me, FYI. I was just on a private photo safari in Tanzania. Most of us grew up seeing travelogues from Africa and they were nearly always driving Land Rovers. Not anymore. I saw probably 100s of safari vehicles (mostly pop tops), of which maybe 2 were LRs, and 1 Nissan. At least 95% were Toyotas. There are apparently 2 companies in Africa that buy Toyota diesel pickups, and covert them into either 6 or 8 passenger Cruisers, nearly all with pop tops, and every one of them with snorkels. Apparently the common joke among guides is: “Jeep? Stupid fucker! Land Rover? Stupid rich fucker!”.
Anyway, being a Toyota guy myself, I noticed.